Fear is the Heart of Love
by viper209n
Summary: Everyone goes through hard times but when a tragedy strikes it causes an extreme domino effect.
1. A Fateful Night

Sandy and Kirsten walked out of the huge mansion, which was bustling with people. Sandy had his hand around her waist. They walked down the steps to the driveway.

"We survived another Newpsie party." Sandy said as the valet pulled up. Kirsten smiled at him, as he opened her door. He shut her in and walked around the front of the Range Rover to get in the driver's side. They pulled out and headed home.

"So Julie is dating Dr. Roberts." Sandy stated.

"Yup." Kirsten answered.

"So what'll it be now? Julie Cooper Nichol Roberts?" Sandy quipped.

"Sandy." Kirsten reprimanded, trying to contain her laughter. Sandy laughed.

"I'm tired." Kirsten yawned.

"Me too. I'm going home and getting straight into bed. And you…" He paused. "are coming with me."

"Definitely." Kirsten added. Sandy clicked his left blinker on and changed lanes. The light before the turn, changed to red and they halted right before the white line.

Sandy groaned. "I wanna go home!" He whined. After a minute or two, the light turned and he accelerated quickly, taking a left turn onto a two lane street. He heard screeching tires and looked into the rearview mirror to see a black Hummer speeding toward the back of their car. Sandy tried to punch the gas but wasn't fast enough. The two cars collided violently, forcing the Rover into the lane to their right.

"Sandy…" Kirsten said faintly as a Jeep came barreling toward them. Sandy barely had time to react before the Jeep slammed into Kirsten's door. Her door bent inward, crushing her down into the seat.

Sandy's head slammed into the window upon impact. And again as their car slid and became pinned between a tree and the Jeep, knocking him unconscious. His door also dented toward him.

Kirsten's window shattered, sending shards of glass everywhere. One big piece thrust into her leg and another went into her arm. She whimpered as they planted themselves in her flesh. Her body was racked with pain and her world went dark.


	2. Her One Wish

Her head hurt. Scratch that. Her whole body hurt, bad. She opened her eyes and immediately shut them tightly once the light touched them. Too bright. She tried to remember what happened, why she was in so much pain. She remembered headlights and the sounds of honking horns, squealing tires, and screeching metal.

"_Sandy!" _Her thoughts screamed. Was he okay? Where was he? In fact, where was she? She was in pain so she wasn't dead. She gasped. What if he…? NO! He couldn't be.

Her eyes shot open. She tried to ignore the blinding light. Objects finally began to take shape and she could hear a beeping. She saw an empty chair and machines. She looked to her left and saw a nurse adding something to a drip. It wasn't until Kirsten tried to touch the nurse that she realized that her left arm was in a cast. She gasped in pain as she moved.

"Yeah. I wouldn't try that again." The nurse joked.

"Where's Sandy? Where's my husband?" Kirsten hurriedly asked impatiently. "He's okay, isn't he?" She was really starting to worry. A doctor came in and began to check Kirsten's blood pressure, heart rate, and all that jazz. "Where's Sandy?" She asked again getting impatient. Just then, Sandy popped into her room with a coffee in his hand.

"Of course, you wake up right when I leave. Well I wish I hadda known that earlier, so I wouldn't of had sat here all this time worrying to death." Sandy joked as the nurse left. She smiled at him. Sandy sat in the empty chair as close to her bed as he could be.

"How are you feeling, Mrs. Cohen?" The doctor asked.

"My arm hurts, so does my leg. And my fingers. It all hurts." She concluded.

"Scale of 1-10?"

"8." She answered sheepishly.

"I'll get the nurse to give you some more pain medication." The doctor smiled, leaving the two to themselves.

"You had me worried." Sandy told her.

"You had me worried too." Kirsten retaliated.

"Why were you worried about me?" Sandy asked curiously.

"Because I woke up and you weren't here."

"Well let's be thankful that you did wake up. And with only a broken wrist, a sprained ankle, some broken fingers, and some bruises."

"Yeah. Only!" Kirsten said sarcastically. "So what did you make it out with?" She asked quietly.

"A fractured arm, bruised knee, dislocated shoulder, and a mild concussion." Sandy said with a grin. "They popped my shoulder back into place and gave me a brace for my arm. Then checked my head for anything wrong with it."

"And what did they find?" Kirsten asked playfully.

"Sorry, darling. Your suspicions were incorrect."

"Sounds like you've had a hard night."

"Worst part was I didn't know what shape you were in." Sandy paused. "Speaking of shape, the car is completely totaled."

Kirsten groaned. Just then the doctor walked back in. He tested her touch and pain receptors.

"When will she be able to go home?" Sandy asked quickly. The doctor smiled at him.

"Pretty soon, I think. As long as **she **is feeling okay." The doctor emphasized and laughed softly. "It depends on how much pain she's in and how well she's responding to medicine. We can base it on how she feels tomorrow."

"Thank you." Sandy replied.

"Do you need anything? Extra blanket, medicine, food?" The doctor asked. When Kirsten gave him a negative answer he exited.

"Where are the boys?" Kirsten asked.

"At home. They were a mess so I sent them home to shower."

"Maybe you better follow your own advice." Kirsten joked. Sandy dramatically threw his hand over his heart and feigned insult. Kirsten laughed at him.

"You want to see them?" Sandy asked.

"Yes please."

"I'll have to go get them. Since I totaled our car." Sandy said bashfully. He placed a kiss on Kirsten's lips and left.

OoOoO

Sandy packed her clothes into her bag. He turned to see her slowly attempting to get out of her bed. He grabbed the bag and threw the strap over his shoulder.

"Kirsten…" He said as he grabbed her arm to help her.

"Sandy… I'm not an invalid."

"No but I got you into this mess now let me help you."

"Please Sandy. How is this your fault?"

"If I wasn't speeding home than…" He glanced up at her.

"Baby, this wasn't your fault."

"Never mind. We have to wait for the boys anyway so just sit back down on the bed." Sandy said as he sat beside her and kissed her temple.

"Where are they anyway?" Kirsten asked.

"I'm not sure. Seth said that he…" Sandy was cut off by the doors opened. In rolled, Seth sitting in a wheelchair being pushed by a humiliated-looking Ryan.

"Seth what is that?" Kirsten asked.

"It's a wheelchair." Seth stated proudly. "Wow. Maybe Mom better be checked for brain damage rather than Dad." He joked.

Kirsten glared at him. "Where did you get that?"

"Duh, Mom. Hospital?" Seth stated while gesturing to the walls. "I had to beat an old lady off of it but I said, 'My mom deserves a wheelchair, especially after my father tried to kill her with a car.'" Seth joked obliviously to his parents' previous conversation. Kirsten looked at Sandy and in turn, he looked at the floor.

"Actually I requested one and Seth sat down and started acting like Captain Ahab." Ryan stated, unimpressed.

Seth shrugged. "Call me Ishmael." He hopped out of the chair and helped his mother into it. He gave her a kiss on the cheek and then grabbed her purse and crutches. Sandy walked to her right, Seth to her left and Ryan pushed her.

"You're going to carry my purse?" Kirsten asked him.

"Anything for you, mother dearest."

"Wow. My dad was right. This chair is humiliating." Kirsten stated.

"Humor us, sweetie." Sandy said as he rubbed her shoulder.

"That's what I told him." Kirsten said with a smile.

OoOoO

Finally they got to the house. Kirsten was completely opposed to using her crutches so she slowly limped to the front door with Sandy's help of course. The boys carried her stuff in. Sandy and Kirsten sat down on the couch together.

"Given the circumstances, I will once again lift the ban on my DVD collection."

"Thanks Seth." Kirsten said.

"What does everyone want for dinner?" Ryan asked.

"Thai?" Kirsten offered.

"Mother you read my mind!" Seth declared and then held his hand out for the money.

Sandy pulled out his wallet and gave Seth the money and the boys left.

"So how are you feeling?" Sandy asked.

"I'm okay." She answered, getting comfortable on the couch. She leaned against Sandy and he played with her hair as she closed her eyes.

"I'm going to take some time off from work to take care of you."

"Sandy, you don't have to do that." She objected drowsily.

"I want to. Plus I'm kinda beat up too." He said with a joking tone. After a long while of sitting and enjoying each others presence, Kirsten flinched and grabbed her left arm. "What? What's wrong?" Sandy asked concerned.

"Nothing." Kirsten answered as she examined her arm. "Felt like something stabbing at me. Like a needle or something."

"Hmm." Sandy added while looking at her arm. The boys walked in with the takeout and the family sat down to dinner.

After dinner, the couple decided to go straight to bed, which opened up a joke that Seth jumped at right away. He made fun of them going to bed so early. What were they? 80? Despite Seth's jeering they did go to bed. They slowly made it up the stairs. Kirsten had to lean on Sandy for support. They finally got to their room. Sandy walked Kirsten to the bed and made her sit down.

"I can dress myself, Sandy." Kirsten objected.

"That might be but I'm not going to let you." Sandy stated. He brought her a pair of his boxers and one of his t-shirts.

"Is this okay?" He asked.

She smiled at him. "You read my mind!"

"Raise your hands as high as you can, but don't hurt yourself." He instructed kindly. She could raise them up to about shoulder height. Sandy took the hem of her shirt and pulled it carefully over her head and arms. He then slid his t-shirt over her. It hung a little off her figure because of its size. But he found her just as beautiful and sexy as if she was wearing a tight shirt that left little to the imagination. He then worked on her pants and carefully slid them over her waist and down her legs and carefully pulled her feet out. He then slid the boxers onto her. Once he was done he left a kiss on her forehead.

"Thank you, honey." She whispered to him. He smiled at her and then changed his own clothes and got into bed with her. They attempted to get comfortable but couldn't. Every time they'd change their positions they would be hurting the other. The only comfortable way was facing each other but they couldn't be touching. However, twenty years of holding each other while sleeping wasn't likely to stop just like that. It would make sense that once they fell asleep their bodies would be attracted to each other and they would wrap their arms around each other. This wouldn't work.

"Maybe I should sleep in the guest bedroom so I don't hurt you." Sandy offered.

"I don't want you to do that." Kirsten objected.

"But I don't want to hurt you." Sandy stated. "How about I wait until you fall asleep and then I'll move?"

"I guess. I'll still miss you." Kirsten whispered as she moved slowly closer to him.

"Maybe I should sleep on the couch so if you need something…" He paused. "Or get scared by something…" He touched her nose with his pointer finger lightly.

"Sandy… I'm not five." She giggled.

"I know but I don't want you attempting to climb the stairs. Of course by the time you got up there it'd be morning and you wouldn't be afraid anymore."

"I love you." She said ignoring his last comment.

"I love you, too." He answered as she snuggled into him and let sleep overtake her. Sandy was soon asleep also. He didn't make it to the guest bedroom; he didn't make it to the couch. To their amazement the next morning, neither of them had hurt the other.

OoOoO

The next week and a half was full of movies and pampering, for both Kirsten and Sandy. During the day, Sandy would make sure Kirsten kept off of her feet and once the boys got home they would cater to both their parents. Sandy worked some from home. Occasionally Julie would come over and Kirsten would do some work too. They were both healing well. Kirsten's arm was still in a brace. They still hurt when they overdid it or turned a wrong way.

It was time for Sandy to return to work and he demanded Kirsten go with him. He didn't want her slipping at home or overdoing it. She was against it of course, declaring that she was 'fine.' To this Sandy responded that she didn't need to brag. To which he received an exasperated sigh of half flattery half defeat. Turns out, Kirsten enjoyed going with Sandy to work. Work was exciting again for her. She always had something she could help with. Sandy was glad to give it to her and have her feel needed again. He hadn't really put it together before how big of a help she had potential to be. It didn't hurt that they could make out between things either.

Matt was impressed too. Affectionately calling them "the three musketeers." Sometimes Julie would come over and the four would have lunch. Julie would steal her away and they would work on the dating service, leaving Sandy and Matt.

"How can she do that?" Matt asked Sandy in awe.

"Who? Do what?" Sandy asked distracted.

"Kirsten. Run two completely separate things."

"She's amazing." Sandy answered and day dreamed for a moment then directed his attention back to his work.

"Yeah she is." Matt whispered under his breath.

"Huh?" Sandy asked obliviously.

"I didn't say anything." Matt lied.

OoOoO

Kirsten sat at Sandy's computer, concentrating on the screen. Fingers going nuts on the keyboard. She was proofreading the document and fiddling with her necklace when Matt came in, startling her.

"Oh, Matt! You scared me!" She jumped and clutched her chest. She caught her breath and then pressed print.

"Sorry." He apologized.

"There done!" She said, excited as she grabbed the papers from the tray.

"You're amazing." Matt said.

"That's what they tell me." She joked, getting out of the chair. She moved over to the front of the desk and began to put the papers in a briefcase.

"You are. You head two jobs. You're a wonderful mother and a beautiful woman." Matt said as he edged towards her, looking at nothing but her. Kirsten began to feel uncomfortable with his compliments.

"Thanks, Matt." She said uneasily. She desperately prayed for Sandy to come in and relieve the tension. She also regretted telling him that she would be fine for a while alone at the office, allowing her to finish up her work. She had told him, "Besides, Matt will be there."

"_Okay, Kirsten. Settle down." _She tried to settle herself._ "This is all in your mind. It's just Matt. You've seen too many movies." _He was right in front of her now. Kirsten focused all of her attention on the papers.

"I've seen the way you look at me." Matt almost whispered. "The way you taunt me in those skirts. In your tight pants."

"Matt?" She whimpered her heart beginning to race.

"The way you lean down in front of me when you're wearing those low cut shirts."

"What are you talking about?" She asked him shakily.

"It's okay. I understand. I want you too." Matt said and extended his hand and rubbed her arm. She flinched away as he touched her. He stood in front of her so she was in between him and the desk.

"What are you doing?" She shrieked as he began to push himself on to her. She put her arms up to stop him. He gently grabbed her arms and slowly returned them to her side while he made eye contact with her. Her eyes were full of fear and tears.

"Don't worry." He said before pushing his mouth to hers and forcing his tongue into her mouth. "I won't hurt you." His hands started with her shirt as he pushed her against the desk. She tried to scream for the second his mouth was off of hers but was too afraid. She put her hands up to get his mouth from hers and succeeded. Her tears were free falling now. She whimpered as his mouth moved roughly on her neck. His hands were roaming harshly over her body. She tried to get him to stop with her hands but was too weak. He replaced his mouth over hers, kissing her insensitively. She squealed and jumped as she felt his cold unkind hands go under her shirt and touch her skin. His hands were small, cold, possessive, and hurried. Not like what she was used to. Not Sandy's. His were protective, warm, and patient. Kirsten cried, wishing he was there to save her.


	3. I Got My Knuckles Bruised

He wouldn't stop. No matter how hard she tried to get him off. He wouldn't, he would shove her more onto the desk. Sandy's desk. No matter how much she cried and whimpered. He wouldn't, he would instead become more forceful. She finally came to grips with her fate. The foreign body continued to force itself onto her. He hadn't gone too far. _Yet. _She told herself, sending a cascade of tears down her face. His unfamiliar hands roaming over her body. His alien mouth over her body. His unknown tongue in her mouth. She tried so hard. She scratched at him, tried to punch him, and pushed him away as hard as she could. Her arm was still healing though and whenever she exerted to much force, pain shot threw her arm. Same went for her legs especially because of the position Matt had forced them into. She couldn't scream either but she tried at every chance she got. When his mouth left hers, she would yell as loud as she could but it came out a squeaky whisper every time. Tears were continually running down her face. She said _Stop_ more times than she could count, along with _Please_ and _why. _It didn't stop him though. Nothing did.

She kept looking to the door. Hoping for someone, anyone. To save her. Matt slid her off the desk and held her wrists forcing her close to him as his mouth resumed touching any part he could come in contact with. He turned and pinned her against the desk with his body. His hands went up her shirt again. She wished she wasn't so darn weak. She thought she heard someone come in but shook her head refusing to get her hopes up and look. She knew no one was coming. No one would think to come.

Sandy walked nonchalantly up the three steps, coming towards his office. He hoped Kirsten was done with the papers she just _had_ to finish. Sandy was getting hungry and somehow, even with his usual lack of speech, Sandy could tell Ryan was too. He could hear motion from the office and assumed it was her.

"Kirsten. Seth called. He's at Summer's, so me and Ryan came to..." He stopped short as he rounded the corner and saw the sight for the first time. He saw his wife, his darling wife, his precious wife, with some man's hands up her shirt, touching where only Sandy was allowed to touch. He couldn't tell who though, as the mystery man's back was to Sandy.

She figured she was hearing things. But she looked up anyway up and she locked eyes with her husband. Her eyes looked pitifully into his. As soon as gratitude swept over her, it was soon replaced with dread. Sure, she was saved but she knew Sandy's protective personality was about to come out. Swinging, as it were.

Matt heard the voice and swung his head up. _Crap!_ His head yelled. _Run! _was his first thought._ There's no where to go. He's blocking the way out. _He pulled away from Kirsten and started to stammer. Sandy couldn't believe it. He didn't want to. He stood there, staring at him, his fists clenched and his teeth gritted together. _He touched her. He kissed her. He hurt her. He made her cry. _Sandy's mind kept repeating. Sandy hadn't realized but he was getting closer to Matt. As he was about to pass Kirsten in his advance, she spoke up and grabbed him arm.

"Please don't." She said softly. He looked straight into her eyes, brought his hand to her cheek, and wiped a tear away. He then bypassed Kirsten and closed the space on Matt slowly. His mind had come up with a plan, as soon as Sandy saw the scene. When he said that he and Ryan had a lot in common, he wasn't kidding and he had formulated a "Ryan plan." Sandy looked dead ahead at him.

"Why?" Sandy asked, his voice hiding his emotions well. "Why?" He growled the second time when he didn't get an answer.

"Just look at her." Matt defended. Sandy scrunched his eyebrows slightly, confused by Matt's defense. "She's so beautiful."

"So you hurt her?" Sandy yelled, causing Kirsten to jump and whimper out of her own control.

"I didn't mean..." Matt didn't get to finish. Sandy had grabbed the collar of Matt's shirt and shoved him against the desk. He pushed him onto the top of it and punched him in the face. A sickening noise echoed through the room as Matt's head met with both Sandy's fist and the desk. Sandy slid Matt's body across the desk, knocking a pen cup, papers, and a filing rack to the floor. He fell with Matt on the floor among the pens and began punching his face again. Sandy grabbed Matt's hair and held his head up as his fist made contact with it. Sandy didn't realize that his own tears were mixing with Matt's blood. He cried because she cried. She was made to cry and now someone had to pay. Matt scrambled under Sandy trying to do some damage, however his attempts were futile.

Hearing the ruckus, Ryan sprinted in. "What the…" He started as he saw the scuffle on the floor. He then saw Kirsten huddled on the couch, crying. He shot over to her. He started to ask questions but she was too much in shock to answer. He wrapped his arms around her in an attempt to calm her. Ryan was too confused to do anything. Why was Sandy punching Matt? Sandy was always so peaceful. Ryan hit himself mentally. He had been out of Chino for too long. Of course, he knew what Matt had done. Sandy was furious and Kirsten was crying, which means pretty much one thing. Matt did something to Kirsten. Suddenly she spoke up.

"You have to get Sandy off of him." She squeaked. For the second time, Ryan hit himself mentally. He quickly went to Sandy and started tugging at him to get him off of Matt.

"C'mon Sandy." He said. However, Sandy was too strong and too angry for Ryan to have much success. Matt was still scrambling under him. His face was covered in blood now. His arms were floundering around reaching for something to help him. His hand came in contact with something. A letter opener. Matt realized it was his life or Sandy's.

Sandy's mind was racing. How could Matt do this? Why would anyone hurt her? Sandy's fists kept flying. He could hear Kirsten crying and feel Ryan tugging on him. However, nothing but teaching Matt a lesson mattered to him. That's when he felt it.

Ryan kept pulling at Sandy trying to stop him. Suddenly, Sandy flinched then stopped. He didn't get up; he just quit moving. It was like he was trying to figure something out. Matt wasn't moving either. It was like time had stopped. Kirsten noticed it too. All of a sudden, Matt moved swiftly; neither Kirsten nor Ryan knew what he was doing. As Matt moved, Sandy flinched again.

"Sandy?" Kirsten questioned quietly.

Sandy rolled over and lay on his back. Matt scurried onto his feet and backed up until he hit the wall where he slid down to sit. He still held the letter opener. He tossed it onto the floor and the blood on it splattered onto the floor. He couldn't believe he just did that.

As soon as Sandy rolled, Ryan saw it. He couldn't believe it. He heard the letter opener hit the floor and looked over at it. His stomach flipped. Had his worst fear just happened?

Kirsten almost screamed when she saw it. She wanted to scream but if she opened her mouth she thought she might throw up. She threw a hand over her mouth. Tears fell down her face. Both she and Ryan stared at Sandy. He had a gaping hole right under his rib cage. Kirsten ran over to him and kneeled down beside him. He was still conscious. Ryan stood there in shock. This couldn't be happening. Not in Newport. Sure in Chino. Heck, everyday in Chino. But not here, not to them. He quickly got on his cell phone to call 911.

_Have I told you how good it feels to be me,  
when I'm in you?  
I can only stay clean  
when you are around.  
Don't let me fall._

"Sandy? Honey?" She questioned.

"Hey." He whispered as he held her hand. "Where's Ryan?"

"Hey Sandy." Ryan piped up and came to kneel beside him.

"Ryan, I'm sorry to do this to you again. You've already lost too much. I'm sorry."

"Sandy, no." Kirsten shouted. "This isn't…" Sandy silenced her by squeezing her hand.

"Watch over our family for me, huh?" Sandy asked Ryan. Ryan just nodded his head. "Especially Kirsten. Please take care of her."

Ryan directed his focus toward her. She was silently crying and biting her lip. She closed her eyes and she was shaking her head.

_If I close my eyes forever,  
would it ease the pain?  
Could I breathe again?_

"I promise." Ryan said.

"I'm so proud of you Ryan. You've done real good with staying out of trouble. Keep that up. Only use it if you're protecting her. Keep 'em away from her." Sandy chuckled lightly. "I love you, Ryan. Go to college and make all your dreams come true."

Ryan gritted his teeth and clenched his jaw. He nodded his head.

"Tell Seth. Tell him I love him. And I'm sorry. That I won't be there. Tell him to watch his mouth. You two stay close. You're brothers; have each others back. Take care of your mother. Tell him I'm so proud of him, even when he messes up. I'll be watching all of you."

Ryan thought he was going to be sick. This couldn't be happening. He had to move away. He had to get away from all the blood. The smell and the sight of it were getting to him.

_Maybe I'm addicted,  
I'm out of control,  
but you're the drug  
that keeps me from dying._

Kirsten was sitting to Sandy's side. She was quietly weeping and wasn't looking at her husband. Sandy's shaking hand cupped her cheek, forcing her to make eye contact with him. His thumb whipped away her tears.

"Hey. Hey. You'll be okay." He soothed.

"How, Sandy? How can I if you're not here?" She pleaded.

"C'mon you can find someone better." He smiled. She shook her head.

"I need you." She whimpered.

_Maybe I'm a liar,  
but all I really know is  
you're the only reason I'm trying._

"You've made me the happiest man alive since the day I met you. You've given me everything I've ever wanted and more. Two good, for the most part," he smiled, "boys and the happiest years of my life. Thank you, baby."

"This can't be the end of this. What am I supposed to do without you here?"

"You'll be fine." He whispered. "There's people left to take care of you."

"Don't leave me." She said quietly. "Don't you leave me!" She was beginning to fall apart. She swayed toward falling on Sandy and he wrapped his arm around her. Her head rested on his chest as she cried hysterically. "Don't do this to me." She whispered.

_I am wasted away,  
I made a million mistakes.  
Am I too late?_

"Shh. You'll be okay." Sandy murmured as he stroked her blonde hair. Kirsten rose slightly. She left a small kiss on Sandy's lips.

"I love you." She sighed.

"I love you." He replied. She repeated it over and over to him as she ran her fingers through his hair and left kisses on his neck. She breathed in his scent, trying to soak him all in before he might be gone from her forever. Her tears fell freely. His arms tightened around her, forcing her to stop movement.

"I love you now and forever." He said softly into her ear.

"Ditto." She whimpered and kept her arms tight around him. He kept repeating "I love you" to her. It was becoming more and more faint. Her head shot up.

_There is a storm in my head;  
it rains on my bed  
when you are not here._

"Sandy?" He just kept whispering "I love you" as if he couldn't hear anything. "Sandy!" His arms went limp around her. She threw her head into the crook of his neck and wailed. This couldn't be happening.

As she lay over Sandy, she began screaming at Matt. "You killed him, you bastard. You son of a.." She couldn't finish; she was crying to hard. She collapsed back over Sandy's limp body.

Matt pushed himself up the wall, while he listened to her scream and as he watched her crumble. He began to run out the door, in shock. As soon as he walked out the door, Ryan was right next to him face to face.

"You're taking away the only real father I have." Ryan snarled. He then punched Matt in the face as hard as he could. Matt fell backwards hitting his head again on the floor. He was out cold. Ryan went back into the office and tried his best to comfort Kirsten, while they waited what seemed like forever for an ambulance.

_I'm not afraid of dying,  
but I am afraid of losing you._

_Addicted by Enrique Iglesias_


	4. Waiting

**Well hello. Sorry this took so long. I was wondering if possibly some of you guys could help me out. I'm looking for a fanfiction where Ryan is in the hospital for one reason or another. I'm thinking car crash-ish. Sandy ends up needing to be looked at too. Was it possible that he was in the crash, too? I'm not sure but… So everybody's waiting for news. The last part… Kirsten's waiting and sees a doctor come out. I think he like gives her the news and she realizes that it's Sandy's doctor. I'm not sure about all of that. But I believe it's something along those lines. I also believe it's a one-shot. So if anyone can help me out with that. I would be sooo appreciative. **

**Also, some lines/ideas for this were from the song "What Sarah Said" by Death Cab. So if it sounds familiar. That's why.**

Kirsten sat shaking in the waiting room. Julie sat beside her occasionally making a gesture to make Kirsten feel better. Sometimes it was a back rub or hand hold, something. Kirsten was amazed that she'd been able to call Julie. She was amazed that she's been able to breathe. She was having a hard time now. Everything that had happened was a blur. Whether the blur was the product of the tears that were held up in her eyes or from being rushed everywhere, rushed into everything she wasn't sure. She wished she could stop time and get her head together. Even though she was now sitting still, waiting forever for the news, her mind was still racing. Julie had come right to the hospital. It was a blessing that she wasn't very far away. Kirsten thought it was interesting that she had called Julie Cooper for help. A few years ago that wouldn't have happened. It wasn't shocking that Julie would have been here, but the fact that Kirsten now wanted her here- that was shocking. Of course a few years ago it was Julie Cooper, but now it was Julie Cooper-Nichol. Or Cooper-Nichol-Cooper-Roberts. No one could be sure.

Ryan had just gotten off the phone with Seth a few minutes ago. He had only informed Seth that they were all at the hospital. He was planning on telling Seth more but Seth had heard hospital and come straight over, dragging Summer with him. Ryan sat down beside Julie. He would have sat down by Kirsten but she was on the last chair as close to the information desk as she could be. He didn't think he had seen her blink in forever. She sat staring at the tiles. He imagined what was possibly going through her head. Probably memories of the life she and Sandy had shared. Moments with Seth. It didn't occur to him that he was in those memories. He had often wondered if he would always have the complex about being a part of the family. He shrugged it off knowing that he had trust issues. He was shaken out of his thoughts by Seth being basically as loud as possible, busting through doors and taking loud, gasping breaths. Ryan stood up to talk to Seth but was surprised when he wasn't welcomed with what he was sure he was going to receive. Seth was actually quiet. No rambling, no questions too fast to answer, no crazy, radical assumptions, nothing.

Seth looked around the waiting area and rationalized the situation. _Mom. Ryan. Julie? _He thought to himself as he did a head count, his eyes bouncing from the subjects. His eyes stopped and his heart followed suit for a moment. _Dad. _His brain stated. He looked back to Ryan with questions in his eyes. He noticed the confusion in Ryan's eyes and knew that they were matching his own. They read each others' mind as they walked over to Kirsten. Summer ran in and went over to Seth.

"Cohen! Slow down! You're going to kill someone!" She could have hit herself in the head for her unfortunate choice of words.

Somehow through all the commotion, Kirsten hadn't even noticed Seth coming into the hospital. Maybe tonight nothing was surprising her anymore. Maybe she was numb to the fast moving pace of the night. The boys walked to stand in front of her. Summer sat down beside Julie.

"Mom?" Seth asked. Kirsten looked up into her son's eyes and was met with the childlike fright and confusion in them. He looked so much like the man she was possibly losing forever. She stood and threw her arms around Seth's neck and let the tears flow free. Seth held his mom tight and let her cry. He remembered his father telling him at an early age that with many women the best thing to do is just to let them cry.

He had told Seth that his mom was one of those women. "I love you so much." Kirsten told him shakily. She broke away from Seth and looked back into his eyes. Even though his eyes weren't blue, they still reminded her of Sandy's. They had Sandy's depth and that little glimmer of impossible hope that everything might be okay. She looked over at Ryan and pulled him close.

"I love you, too. So much." Ryan awkwardly put his arms around her. He still wasn't sure why it felt so awkward to hug her. Maybe it was her words at the intervention but he thought they were over that. Maybe even after a few years he still wasn't used to all the hugs.

Kirsten pulled away and wiped away her tears. She looked at her two boys. "Mom. What happened?" Kirsten sighed and looked back and forth between her sons. She knew she had to tell them.

"I had to work late." She started, shaking. "You both know your dad's associate, Matt." Her voice changed tone when she said his name. "He came in and we were talking and…" This was going to be hard. "And… he forced himself… on me."

As she completed her confession, Seth's face became stricken with anger and shock, Julie looked horrified, Summer gasped, and Ryan hung his head. He had been correct in his assumption, but he wanted so badly to be wrong. Kirsten took a deep breath and continued.

"Sandy came in, which caused Matt to stop. Sandy started fighting with him. I was sure he was going to kill Matt but…" She shook her head and tried to keep the tears from escaping. "Matt stabbed your father." She finished as a few tears rand down her cheeks.

"Oh my gosh." Summer whispered. Julie sat shocked. How much was Kirsten going to be put through?

"So Matt tried to rape you? And then he stabbed my father?" Seth asked making sure he had heard correctly. Seth looked down at the floor incredulously with his mouth hanging open. He suddenly turned and stormed out the automatic doors. Kirsten was about to go after him but Ryan put up a hand to stop her.

He followed after Seth who was almost to the car.

"Seth." Ryan said trying to get him to stop. When Seth refused, Ryan raised his voice. "Seth!" As Seth opened the driver's door, Ryan immediately came behind him and shut the door.

"Move Ryan!" Seth yelled.

"C'mon Seth. What are you going to do?" Ryan asked sincerely.

"I don't know. Give the guy a piece of my mind." Seth stammered while shrugging. "He tried to rape our mom and then he stabbed our dad. He deserves a punch or a kick or something." Seth babbled as he moved to get into the car.

"Well, Sandy and I took care of that. As he tried to run away, I punched him out and then the police took him. You can get your revenge later, but right now both of us need to be there for your mom...and for Sandy." Ryan said standing firmly in his position, making it nearly impossible for Seth to get into the car. Seth sighed and handed Ryan the keys.

The boys entered the hospital just as the doctor started talking to Kirsten. They sprinted over so they could hear. They tried to read his expressions for either good news or bad news. His face looked tired, but not necessarily like he was trying to find the words to give horrible news.

"He's stable. These next 24 hours are going to be the hardest. I have to warn you that anything can happen." The doctor stated as calmly as possible in view of the circumstances. "You may see him now if you wish."

As the doctor left, the group tried to comprehend the information they had just been given. Seth decided to go first to see his father. He walked in and was startled by his father's appearance. His face was pale and he had tubes all around him. Seth had never seen anyone like this. Well, in the movies he had but never this close up. It frightened him and made him feel faint. He slid a chair over to his father's bed and sat. He leaned forward into a slouching position with his elbows on his knees. He fumbled with his hands and diverted his eyes. For once in his life, Seth didn't know what to say. Would Sandy even be able to hear him? Seth couldn't remember the doctor saying. Surely he could. But what do you say in a moment like this? Everything needs to be said but there might not be enough time. Seth began to do what he was best at. Rambling.

"Dad. Make it through this. Please. We need you. What would we do without the Sandy Cohen uplifting speech or the Sandy Cohen specialty bagel?" Seth paused. "Me and Ryan need you to protect us from Mom's cooking. Oh gosh." Seth gasped in realization. "Mom needs you. I remember when you went away on that business trip. Mom missed you so badly. And you were only gone for a few days. She was late for work everyday and couldn't even handle making coffee. She crumbles without you. And what about Ryan? Huh, Dad? He needs you. C'mon he's already lost one dad. Don't make him lose another. You're our hero, Dad." Seth looked over his dad. He hadn't moved at all as far as Seth could tell. "Well I better let Ryan in here to visit or he'll bust from over-brooding."

Seth got up and patted his father's shoulder. "I love you, Dad." He quietly said and walked out the door back to the waiting room. He noticed his mother fumbling with her hands and twisting her rings around her fingers. Julie was sitting to her right and looked as if she had run out of ideas on how to lend a little comfort to her friend. Ryan was on Kirsten's left and was looking more antsy than usual. Summer had a look on her face that Seth couldn't read. The best he could figure was that her thoughts were running circles in her head and she was trying to catch up. Marissa had shown up during the time Seth had been in his dad's room. She was sitting beside Summer and staring at the tiles deep in thought.

Ryan looked up as Seth returned. He and Seth shared a look of brotherly understanding. Ryan then looked toward Kirsten silently asking her if she wanted to go before him. She motioned for him to go. She obviously had some things to think about. Seth took Ryan's seat, finding him between his mother and his girlfriend. He sat straight and leaned all the way back in his chair. If the circumstances were different, he would have found it interesting that this was the first time he had sat with correct and healthy posture his entire life. He put his right arm around his mother who was staring intently on her shoes.

She was startled by the new arm around her and looked at the owner. His brown eyes stared back into her blue. And for the first time in their relationship, they didn't need words to convey their feelings with each other. She leaned her head slightly onto his shoulder. Seth lowered his head and spoke quietly into his mother's ear.

"He's going to be okay. He has to be." He felt her nod and heard her sniffle her reply. "I mean, he's bound to have inherited some of the Nana's ability to outlive us all." He felt her shoulders jump lightly as she chuckled softly. Seth felt a small hand wiggle its way into his. He looked at their hands and then to his girlfriend's face. He was met with her sympathetic smile. She was met with a sad, sorrowful smile. She squeezed his hand lightly trying to give him comfort. He squeezed back and gave her a grateful grin, letting her know that she was indeed helping. Seth turned back to look at his mom. He tightened his grip on her shoulder. She lifted her arm and set her hand on top of his.

Kirsten kept thinking about the doctor's words. 'Anything can happen,' he had said. They weren't out of the woods yet. The doctors could have missed something. One mistake can be very costly. She tried to shake the negativity out of her head. Always the pessimist. Sandy had always been the optimistic one. Silver lining in absolutely everything. Kirsten recalled him saying his goodbyes. **"You'll be fine." He whispered. "There's people left to take care of you." **_Wasn't very optimistic of him, was it? Maybe he accepted his fate and was trying to help me find the silver lining in his… No! He's not gone. He's gotta make it." _Kirsten thought to herself. These thoughts caused a cascade of tears to escape her eyelids. She wanted him to be okay so desperately. She didn't want him to only be seen in pictures and memories. Both taken by faulty cameras and both eventually fade into themselves.

Ryan slowly made his way into Sandy's room. He was startled, not at Sandy's appearance though. No, Ryan had seen people look like this plenty of times. What was startling was the fact that it was Sandy looking like this, not some uneducated drunk who hadn't been smart enough to keep his mouth shut. He took the seat beside Sandy's bed that Seth had left. His eyes shifted from thing to thing. Object to object. Ryan was finding it difficult to concentrate, which was unusual for him. Tonight, in this moment, he was finding it very difficult to put words together. He remembered telling Sandy he liked to save it for when it counted. _Obviously not if you can't even put words together when he could be gone before the night's over. _Ryan thought to himself.

The beeping on the heart monitor grabbed his attention. It sounded to Ryan as if the beeps were slowing. Or it sounded as if Ryan were running away from them. It didn't look like it though. Up and down, up and down. They fluctuated perfectly. But still. Ryan felt as if with every descending peak Sandy was being taken away from them. Farther and farther away as the line bounced. Ryan tried to clear his head. Whenever bad things happened it seemed his mind clouded over and his thoughts ran in every different direction. One minute, favoring optimism; the next, expecting the worst. He looked back to Sandy. As Ryan's head fought with itself, Ryan had stayed completely still with the exception of his eyes.

Ryan swallowed attempting to make the lump in his throat go away, or at least diminish slightly. It didn't work. His stomach was in knots. He cleared his throat. Perhaps, subconsciously, trying to rouse Sandy from a slumber so he could simply read the speech Ryan was conveying with his eyes; instead of Ryan having to try to make syllables and pronounce words.

"I'm sorry." Ryan started. _For what? _He could hear Sandy asking. Ryan knew that it was slightly ridiculous and illogical for his first inclination in a predicament is to apologize. Sandy had always found it slightly amusing. "If I hadn't been on the phone, I could have…" He came up blank. "Done something." He paused and looked down to his boots. "If I hadn't grabbed that snack at the gas station, I could have been home earlier and we could have been to the Newport Group earlier." He could hear Sandy telling him that he was being irrational.

"I don't know. I'm just…" He looked back up at Sandy. "Sorry." He felt the tears build up and his nose begin to sting. "Just…. Be… okay?... Please." He begged as the tears pooled in his eyes. "We all really need you." He said in a whisper. "Sandy, if you don't…" He couldn't bring himself to say it. "I just want to say… thank you." He looked to his hands. "Thank you for everything." He sniffed back anything that was trying to get out of his body and stood up. He placed a hand on Sandy's shoulder and realized that it could be now or never.

"I love you, Sandy." Ryan whispered so low that he could barely even hear it. "I love you like you were my real dad. Heck, I don't care what blood says. You are my real dad." He said as he slightly nodded his head and tightened his grip on Sandy's shoulder. As he walked away, he clenched his teeth and tried to swallow the lump down again. It still wasn't working.

Kirsten's eyes had moved to staring out the window. She desperately wanted to stop her brain from replaying all the memories she had. Apparently, her brain was on a kick; it didn't matter if the memory had anything to do with anything. Everything got replayed. She had spent too much time with Sandy and Seth, except she managed to keep the rambling inside, most of the time. She heard dragging feet and immediately recognized Ryan's trademark step. Whether it was early morning in socks or after school in his boots, it sounded identical. Her eyes fell on him. The only difference in his appearance was his brooding glare. It was more thoughtful than normal.

He sat in Kirsten's chair once she had gone. He looked around the waiting room and took in his surroundings. His eyes landed on the television, which was blabbing to itself. Why did they even have one in here? No one waiting in this section of the hospital wanted to hear about Ashlee Simpson's new nose or Justin Timberlake's possible drug usage. Everyone here only wanted to hear a certain professional say one certain phrase. Technically, it didn't matter what the exact phrase, as long as the point was the same. Same went for the extremely old magazines. No one waiting in this department of the hospital would be able to comprehend anything they read. They were saving their limited amount of comprehension for possibility of being given the unwanted news that could be given.

Summer was also making mental notes about her settings. One factor in particular. The extremely distracting few that had clearly been given the misguided advice that pacing the waiting room helps the chances for your loved one. Summer watched one man in particular. He looked and acted as if he had been given one too many shots of espresso. Back and forth, back and forth. It was making her nauseous and giving her a headache. Whenever a noise was made within a certain vicinity of the pacers all of their heads would shoot up. They were like meerkats and it was killing her. Footsteps, POP. A door shutting, POP. A sniffle, POP. She needed to do something. Watching the pacers was going to cause her to need her own medical attention. She decided to get coffee for everyone. Anything to get her away from this.

Kirsten took a deep breath. It was her turn. She slowly stepped through the doorway into her husband's room. He took her breath away, however it was anything but romantic. She had never seen anyone like this, not even on television. Of course, she usually threw her hands over her eyes during the gross parts. Of course, Sandy would hear nothing of this and would tell her exactly what was happening with excruciating detail, which resulted in screaming and hitting. Kirsten broke out of her memory state and walked over to the side of her husband's hospital bed.

"Hey baby." She whispered, as she stood by his bed and ran a hand through his hair. She looked him over and then her eyes were drawn back to his face. The few purple bruises that resided there were of great contrast to his pale face. Her fingertips grazed over them; he gave her no response. She looked toward the machines that he was hooked up to.

'_All of this because of me,' _she thought to herself. The guilt had already been setting in but now it was making a home in her mind. She ran her left hand down his arm and took his hand in hers. She squeezed his hand and he faintly squeezed back, at least Kirsten thought he did. She pulled the chair as close to the bed as it could get and sat down. She held his hand with her left and stroked it with her right. No doubt if it was his other hand, she would have fiddled with his wedding ring.

What do you say? What is there to say? He knew everything she could tell him. He knew that he was her everything, that without him she would crumble. There was nothing new that could be said. They had never really needed words, though. Kirsten kissed his hand lightly and rested her head beside it, close enough for him to still be touching her. Tears slipped out of her closed eyes.

"Please don't leave me." She barely whispered. "Please. I need you so much. Please." She knew he couldn't hear her. Not necessarily because he was probably still 'under' but because she wasn't barely speaking. She rubbed her cheek against the back of her husband's fingers, trying to draw strength and comfort from it. The silent tears she was crying were caught by his blanket.

Suddenly, her ears were attacked with the erratic beeping of the machine. Nurses and doctors rushed into the room and Kirsten was pushed away. She threw her hand over her mouth and gasped, crying. Julie rushed in and put her arms around Kirsten to keep her from falling. Ryan and Seth looked through the window. Both hearts beating wildly. The line went flat and the doctor yelled for the paddles. As electric current went through Sandy's body, Kirsten could swear that she felt it go through her as well. The line remained flat and the doctor yelled for another try.

As Kirsten heard the flat line, she sobbed out a loud "No." The doctor heard her and looked over at the hopeless looking family. He ordered for them to be removed as he used the paddles again. Kirsten and Julie were scooted out and the door was shut and blinds closed.

"Mom? What are we gonna do if…" Seth asked, unable to finish the question. Kirsten wrapped her arms around him, grabbing him into a hug. Seth buried his head into his mother's neck and cried. They broke away and the four of them made their way to the closest benches and waited for the news.

Summer had just come back with everyone's coffee. She was very impressed with herself, not everyone was able to balance six cups of coffee. She was shocked to see the group sitting back in their spots, looking disgruntled. She saw Kirsten fumbling with her wedding rings and tears running rapidly down her cheeks. But Kirsten had just gone in Sandy's room, hadn't she? Getting coffee didn't take that long. She noticed Julie's concerned face. She looked to Seth and could see the trail his tears had left. Ryan was hunched over with his head in his hands. Summer was about to ask what happened but at that moment the doctor came out of the room, looking tired. This time everyone in the room popped their head up, not just the ones pacing. Kirsten stood up and moved toward the doctor, looking to him with pleading eyes. Seth and Ryan got out of their seats but weren't physically able to move any further. The doctor looked at all the faces surrounding him. All asking the same question. Only wanting one answer.

Kirsten crumbled as the doctor told her that he was sorry, that they tried all they could. That her husband lost too much blood. That she was going to be alone. She slid down the wall and shook, as her body became racked with sobs.

As far as Ryan was concerned, the doctor was smart to leave. He was about to get knocked out. Certainly he could have tried harder. He could have been more persistent. No, he had given up. Everyone in Ryan's life gave up. Maybe it was his fault. Maybe he did something. Perhaps he just put out something that screamed for people to give up on him. Maybe people thought things like that didn't affect him anymore. They were wrong. Sandy was the only one who didn't give up on Ryan but now someone had given up on Sandy. Ryan thought of these things as he walked out the automatic emergency room doors. He paced inform of a small cement bench and ran his hand over his face, wiping away the tears that pooled in his eyes. He plopped onto the bench and put his head in his hands.

As soon as Seth had heard the news, his legs gave way and he dropped back into his chair. His dad couldn't be… No. Not Sandy Cohen. They had to have the wrong guy. The doctor couldn't have been talking about his dad. No. His dad could do anything. His dad was Newport's very own Superman. He was Seth's hero. Kirsten's too. And there was no questioning what Sandy meant to Ryan. This couldn't be happening.

Thankfully, Summer had put down the coffees before the news was given. She had placed them on the small table between a section of chairs. She now sat, unable to speak, floored by the recent development. Seth looked as if he weren't there. She had no idea what to say, or do. Marissa sat beside her, also dumbfounded by the news. Sandy was like her second father, definitely more lately.

Seth exhaled sharply, not realizing that he was holding his breath. His mother's sobs were now registering in his brain. He looked over to her, still huddled by the wall. Julie was holding onto her. Julie looked like she had things under control but Seth had a feeling that deep inside she was just as lost as everyone else. Nothing can prepare you for this. There's no book telling you how to handle news like this. Many people have written books on how to comfort someone who's going through loss, but you don't think to read it until after it's happened. No one is fully prepared for this. Coming upon this realization, Seth Cohen repeated the statement to himself. _This couldn't be happening._

_That love is watching someone die  
So who's gonna watch you die?_

"_What Sarah Said" by Death Cab_


End file.
